This is an interesting question that I would like to write about.
Before I start, I simply want to remind you that I base my beliefs on the Biblical commandments and principles. The Bible does clearly teach that sex before marriage is a sin (1 Thessalonians 4:2-4; Hebrews 13:4; and many other Scriptures attest to this). The Bible, however, does not really say much about “premarital kissing.” About the only example I can find is Song of Solomon 1:2. Because the Bible does not forbid it, I will not tell you that it is forbidden. I simply want to give you some things to think about.
Some decide that they will not kiss until they are married. There can be different reasons for this decision. I know people who simply decide they want to wait and have their first kiss at the altar to avoid all temptation. I know of other people who have fallen into sexual sin and have a “no kissing” policy to make sure they do not repeat mistakes. I believe this is a wise and honorable decision, and we should respect those who have made such a commitment.
At the same time, we should not condemn those who do not feel this strongly about kissing (or not kissing). I have friends who kissed before they were married but did wait until marriage for sex. Some decide they will postpone kissing until engagement but not until marriage. I don’t think it is biblical or fair to accuse any of these people of being impure. To be honest, I get concerned that some have gotten a little carried away and put too much emphasis on having your first kiss at the altar (see 1st Corinthians 4:6, “Do not go beyond what is written”).Although the Bible does not forbid kissing, I believe we should think about it carefully. This is why:
Kissing is a form of physical intimacy. We should be careful about any form of physical intimacy—we should think seriously about who we share this with.
Kissing (especially “deep kissing”) can lead to sexual sin. In other words, deep kissing is a physical and psychological step towards sexual intimacy. This may cause you to “go further” than you intended, falling into sexual sin.
Whatever you decide, pray about it, allow God to lead you, and be very careful.
More than anything, I encourage you to only get involved with another person who is committed to sexual purity. This is extremely important if you want to save yourself for your future spouse. Sexual purity only works if both people are committed to it.
This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.
* read more from Kuya Kevin here.
Great article! I was convicted about pre-marital kissing about 2 years ago. Needless to say I don’t date often. However I’m comfortable with waiting for the person God has for me. So many of my girlfriends think I’m crazy. It’s great to know there are others out there with the same understanding and/or conviction. Good luck to you. I have subscribed to your blog, but I’m not sure if i did it right, please let me know if possible.
Felicia
I appreciated your article. There seems to be more press latey focused on couples who don’t kiss until the wedding itself. Scripture gives commandments and principles. We are not to walk in legalism but in purity and respect. It is easy to draw line and simply say, “We won’t kiss until ____ because that’s the Christian way” .
But to make it a higher standard or a required standard is to walk in legalism in this area. A couple should be honest with themselves and before the Lord and seek to be “above reproach” in every area. How they go about this will reflect their spiritual maturity.
Thank you for the great article, i am committed to save my first kiss for marriage and like Felicia said, my friends think I am crazy! Although the Bible doesn’t not condemn kissing before marriage, lust is a sin specifically noted in the Bible and if kissing causes lust in your heart, then it means kissing before marriage is a sin.
I am rooted in my commitments about kissing and sex before marriage but I don’t know what I think about saying I love you in dating. I definitely don’t think it is a sin, but I don’t want it to be an empty statement. I am thinking about ‘don’t say I love you until you are proposing.’ But I’m not sure about that, I have seen people say I love you and regret it because they did not feel their love was based on 1 Corinthians 13. Maybe if anyone has any thoughts about this you could share them with me! Thank you so much!!
Hi,
Just wanted to give my thoughts regarding this subject. If you use Biblical principles and rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I believe you will have the right conviction on this. Based on my own experience, I am convicted that any type of premarital intimacy does not honor God. Just because the Bible doesn’t literally forbid the term “kissing”, doesn’t mean that you can justify it either. Remember that the Bible was written thousands of years ago. Maybe at that time, they didn’t have problems associated with premarital relationships. Maybe it wasn’t common to find such practices because they may have been frowned up and so maybe it was an understood thing that it was wrong even during those times.
But pertaining to the reference you gave in Song of Solomon 2:1- it doesn’t say that they kissed. The woman is saying how she WISHES that king Solomon would kiss her and express his love to her. I haven’t read through the entire book, so I’m not sure if they did engage in any premarital intimacy. I don’t think they did (please prove me wrong by quoting the passage which would prove this), because from reading what Biblical scholars have wrote on this, you can gather that the theme for this book is on love, sex and marriage (of course both love and sex should be confined to marriage).
Another argument of trying to justify kissing is based on what Christ has taught us in Matthew 5:28-But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Now i’ve heard people arguing that a kiss may not represent lust. I don’t agree with that. To people with such an understanding, I would ask for them to remember that every believer is a sister or brother in Christ to them. Also, the person that you may choose to kiss may not be the person you end up with , they may be mean to be someone else’s wife or husband. So those boundaries should never be tested or crossed.
I remember one of the first examples of marriage in the Bible- Isaac and Rebekah. Where do you see them getting involved premaritally?
Let’s follow what the Bible has told us to do and not twist it to our liking. We will be held accountable to God for everything we’ve done.
sorry made a typing error. Sentence should be- “Another argument against justifying premarital intimacy/kissing”
sorry for another error- correction is- they may be meant to be someone else’s wife or husband. So those boundaries should never be tested or crossed.
I read the scriptures mentioned in the original post (1 Thessalonians 4:2-4; Hebrews 13:4), but using those passages to forbid premarital sex is putting the cart before the horse. Yes, the Bible clearly forbids sexual sin (Gk. “porneia”), but NO verse clearly states that singles sex IS sin. One first makes the assumption that it is a sin for two single people to have sex, then uses verses about sexual immorality in general to say, “see, God forbids singles sex.” That is circular reasoning, which is not acceptable in Biblical study.
The NT warns against sexual sin in general, but it does not offer a list of what constitutes sexual sin. If you want to know exactly what God forbids sexually, go back and read the OT sex laws in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. (God’s Law is the context of Jesus’ teaching – Matthew 5:17-19.) Pay close attention to 1.) what God forbids, 2.) what He regulates (NOT the same thing as forbidding), and 3.) what He doesn’t even mention. Singles sex with a virgin is regulated, not forbidden. God neither calls it a sin nor requires any sort of sin sacrifice or punishment for it. If you don’t believe me, read the Law for yourself, refusing to add to it (Deut 4:2).
Unless we believe God failed to tell His people what is / is not sin for thousands of years (!), we can’t use NT verses to forbid what God didn’t already forbid in the OT. God does not send modern people to Hell for doing the same sexual acts He allowed under His Law. I’m not talking about what you and I find acceptable. I’m talking about what GOD says is SIN. Read the Law of God for yourself, understanding that if God sees a sex act as sin, He specifically said so. If He did not forbid a sex act, who are we to do so? We do not know better than the God who created sex.
There’s so much more to say. Sex and the Bible is such a misunderstood topic among Christians. Matthew 5:28 was mentioned in someone else’s comments. The word commonly rendered “lust” is Gk. epithumeó, which is properly translated “covet” (desire with intent to steal something that belongs to another). Matthew 5:28 is a paraphrase of Exodus 20:17 where God forbade men from coveting their neighbor’s wife… or house, cattle, servants or other property: If you look at a wife with inclination to steal her from her husband, you’ve already done so in your heart. Few believers do their homework to understand Matthew 5:28 in the context of Matthew 5:17-19 where Jesus upholds the Law. Adultery in Biblical times (not using our modern definitions… but neither was Jesus) involved taking another man’s wife. Under God’s Law, it was not adultery for a married man to have sex with a single woman, nor was it adultery for two single people to have sex. One cannot use Matthew 5:28 to condemn sexual desire between singles as “adultery in the heart” because actual sex between singles is not actual adultery.
It is also common to read-into NT text one’s own notions of becoming one flesh that the Bible discusses in Genesis and in Jesus’ ministry. Popular interpretation is that “one flesh” forbids all but monogamous, heterosexual, married sex, but this belief ignores a lot of what the Bible says and assumes it says things it does not. Read the Law of God for yourself, and read OT life stories. If God neither forbade a sex act nor criticized His holiest servants for doing that act, then that act must not be a violation of what He meant by “one flesh.” Allow scripture to comment on itself. Do not ignore Biblical sex passages simply because they do not support what you’ve already concluded God meant in a different passage. Instead, do research and revisit your conclusions. Get to the bottom of what the original Greek and Hebrew texts say. Modern, interpretive renderings of the Bible such as NIV are notorious for theological bias and hiding sexuality / nudity when it addressed in a positive or neutral light. The Bible’s original texts are inspired, but no English rendering is flawless.
interestingly i use to stand against any form of kissing until i met my girlfriend who is against sexual sin but rather welcomes kissing before. marraige.i think am happy about the insight.thankyou
How can U say d bible was written thousands of years ago, u are literarilly saying dat d prophets whom God inspired to write d bible were not prophetic but rather empirical. The bible is the word of God. Thesame God who knows d end frm d beginning knows wat would and wouldn’t be. Don’t turn the word of God upside down. Read and be directed by the holyspirit. Stop having the form of Godliness but denying the power thereof. Kissing is an expression of love and affection. Thank You!