As you probably know, a pendulum is a weight that swings back and forth from a fixed point. Unfortunately, the pendulum symbolizes the way we’ve treated the gift of sex—going from one non-biblical extreme to another.

As I’ve mentioned before, religion has an unfortunate history of treating sex as something dirty and shameful. Even now, those of us who advocate purity must carefully guard against legalism.

Then there’s the other extreme—a “liberated” mentality in which anything goes and all modesty is lost. When society allows the pendulum to swing in this direction, the results are incredibly destructive.

I don’t want to be like a pendulum. I don’t want to react (and overreact) to the problems I see around me. There’s another way, and another symbol: the plumb line.

A plumb line is a pointed weight on the end of a string. This tool produces a straight line every time—gravity ensures it. The Lord Himself used the plumb line as a symbol of His perfect, unchanging standards.

When it comes to sex, God’s “plumb line” runs consistently through the Bible. It begins in Genesis 2:24, where He describes the beautiful, mysterious “one flesh” union between husband and wife. Jesus quoted this very passage when teaching about marital fidelity (Matthew 19:5). Paul quoted it in making his case against sexual promiscuity (1 Corinthians 6:16). God designed sex to be experienced only within marriage–His mind hasn’t changed.

I pray that we will act as plumb lines, not pendulums. Let’s continue to present God’s standard: no more, no less.

* Read more of Kuya Kevin’s articles in KuyaKevin.com: Real Relationship Advice

Batch 1 (February 15, 2009)

Batch 2 (February 23, 2009)

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories – whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I’ll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it’s time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS]
I’ll be waiting for you baby
I’ll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we’re ready, til it’s right
Love is waiting

It’s my caution not the cold
There’s no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I’m singing for the strangers about you
Don’t keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you’re my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Here’s the definition(s) of ambiguous (from dictionary.com)

Ambiguous:
*open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations; equivocal: an ambiguous answer.
*of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify: a rock of ambiguous character.
*lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct: an ambiguous shape; an ambiguous future.

My students often use the phrase “MU,” meaning “mutual understanding.” This represents something in between friendship and courtship. The exact nature of a mutual understanding usually isn’t very clear to me. Ironically, it usually isn’t clear to those in the MU, either.

I’m not a big fan of MU’s or any type of ambiguous relationship. Since there is no real commitment, these arrangements seem to cause confusion and pain.

I really believe that dating/courtship should be focused, with marriage as the end goal. Otherwise, it is simply a waste of time and emotion. Here are a few suggestions:

Intention:
Intentions should be clear very early in the relationship. This should be your intention: to get to know this person and prayerfully decide if the two of you are compatible for marriage.

Time Limits:
Some reasonable timetable should be set. I hear different opinions on the appropriate length of courtship/engagement. I personally believe that six months to a year is plenty of time to know if you’ve found a good match. I’m not saying you should be ready to propose after two dates. I’m not even saying that you should marry within a year. But within a year there should be a clear understanding of whether or not you plan to marry. If you decide to break up, at least you’ve limited the time that you invested in this relationship.

I’ve seen couples who stay boyfriend/girlfriend for years, only to break up. They both experience a “mini divorce” and have little to show for their wasted time/emotion. This is especially harmful for women, who have a “biological clock” to consider.

Final Thoughts:

I don’t want this to sound like dating/courtship should be some kind of business contract. My point is this: as single Christians, we should be intentional when it comes to the opposite sex. If you only want to be friends, then stay friends. If there is a mutual attraction and interest, then explore the possibility of a Christ-centered marriage. I see no middle ground.

Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.
–Matthew 5:37

* read more from Kevin here.

Have Premarital Sex

If your spouse is your first and only lover, this will create an incredibly strong physical, emotional, and spiritual bond between the two of you. You simply don’t need this if you are going to sabotage your marriage. It’s much better if you engage in premarital sex. This way your spouse will not be your “first” and you can bring plenty of emotional baggage to your marriage bed. If you are lucky, you may even bring some physical complications as well. An STD, for example, could ruin your spouse’s health as well as your own. It wouldn’t have to be one of those big scary STD’s: something as simple as HPV would do. This would give you (or your wife if you are a man) cervical cancer.

Become a Player

If you are going to wreck your marriage, you need to develop some serious character flaws. Two-timing is a good place to start. Cheating, after all, is exciting and gratifying business. Trying to remember all of your lies will keep you on the edge—much more exhilarating than a boring, stable, monogamous relationship. Lying and manipulating will become second nature to you. It’s especially helpful if you can convince yourself that the “right person” will cause you to settle down and be faithful (much easier to blame your player ways on other people). You may believe that a wedding ceremony and a ring will magically change your character. Don’t worry: the habits that you develop will eventually come back. Before you know it, you’ll elevate your status from player to adulterer.

Get Some Vices

A healthy marriage requires two healthy people. There’s a way to make sure you are not emotionally or physically healthy: vices. Smoking cigarettes, for example, will ensure that you have some major health problems. You’ll burden your family with some major medical bills and may send yourself to an early grave. Men, there’s also a good chance that cigarettes will make you impotent—which will obviously cause problems. Alcohol or drug abuse can wreck a family even faster than your nicotine addiction. Porn use/addiction, while not causing physical diseases, can negatively affect intimacy between you and your spouse. Almost any vice will do if practiced regularly.

Be Financially Undisciplined

Money is one of the major causes of conflict within a marriage. You can make sure that there are many problems by mismanaging your finances. Buy whatever you want, regardless of whether or not you can afford it. Borrow money and get yourself in debt. Live beyond your means. Whatever you do, don’t save any money. You don’t want extra money set aside for any of those inevitable expenses of family life. Instead, just borrow more money and deepen your debt as a couple.

Last but not least, choose a partner who is practicing these four steps.

Together, you can have your own domestic nightmare!

Note:
I’m not saying that committing one of these mistakes means that you are forever doomed to a bad marriage. My point is that all of these behaviors can affect your future. If you are doing any of these things, please reexamine your life and consider the consequences.

* read more from Kevin here.

How do you hold on to someone you’ve never met?
(from Lake House)

Here’s my answer:

It’s knowing and believing that there’s someone out there whom God has chosen and reserved for you… and waiting for that person, for God’s perfect time for you to meet him… reserving your heart and yourself until that time… only for that unknown someone. It takes patience, it takes faith, it takes TRUE LOVE.

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I cried when I watched the movie Lake House. It was a beautiful and touching story. And it made me think again how true love really waits: for the right time, for the right person. At this time in my life, I know it’s still a long wait for me (*sigh*). But I’m willing to wait, and wait and wait… and wait some more. For I know that it’s not in vain. My Father has everything set out perfectly for me and the man He has chosen. I know – I’m sure – that when the time comes, it’s gonna be grand, it would be more than what I’ve dreamed of, and of course, it’s gonna be true. So, till then, I will just be content… having faith that true love will come my way someday. I’ll just hold on to God’s promises… I’ll just hold on to that someone I’ve never met.

This is an interesting question that I would like to write about.

Before I start, I simply want to remind you that I base my beliefs on the Biblical commandments and principles. The Bible does clearly teach that sex before marriage is a sin (1 Thessalonians 4:2-4; Hebrews 13:4; and many other Scriptures attest to this). The Bible, however, does not really say much about “premarital kissing.” About the only example I can find is Song of Solomon 1:2. Because the Bible does not forbid it, I will not tell you that it is forbidden. I simply want to give you some things to think about.

Some decide that they will not kiss until they are married. There can be different reasons for this decision. I know people who simply decide they want to wait and have their first kiss at the altar to avoid all temptation. I know of other people who have fallen into sexual sin and have a “no kissing” policy to make sure they do not repeat mistakes. I believe this is a wise and honorable decision, and we should respect those who have made such a commitment.

At the same time, we should not condemn those who do not feel this strongly about kissing (or not kissing). I have friends who kissed before they were married but did wait until marriage for sex. Some decide they will postpone kissing until engagement but not until marriage. I don’t think it is biblical or fair to accuse any of these people of being impure. To be honest, I get concerned that some have gotten a little carried away and put too much emphasis on having your first kiss at the altar (see 1st Corinthians 4:6, “Do not go beyond what is written”).Although the Bible does not forbid kissing, I believe we should think about it carefully. This is why:

Kissing is a form of physical intimacy. We should be careful about any form of physical intimacy—we should think seriously about who we share this with.

Kissing (especially “deep kissing”) can lead to sexual sin. In other words, deep kissing is a physical and psychological step towards sexual intimacy. This may cause you to “go further” than you intended, falling into sexual sin.

Whatever you decide, pray about it, allow God to lead you, and be very careful.

More than anything, I encourage you to only get involved with another person who is committed to sexual purity. This is extremely important if you want to save yourself for your future spouse. Sexual purity only works if both people are committed to it.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions. 

* read more from Kuya Kevin here.

True Love Waits: the commitment to stay single until you are ready for marriage. It is entrusting God with your love life. It is waiting patiently until God gives you Mr. Right. It is a choice.          

I am one of the many single people who have entrusted my love life to the Lord. I am one of the few who are called N.B.S.B. (No Boyfriend Since Birth). Yes, I am one of them. Why? It is because I believe that if someone out there is meant for you, if someone is planned by God for you, he or she will come no matter what happens. 

 I made my decision to wait for true love when I was still in high school, when temptations to have someone special by your side is most frequent, when that desire to be loved was strong, when immaturity was still in progress, when people my age were having their relationships with the opposite sex. Was it hard? Yes, it was and it still is.           

But why oh why did I commit to staying single until I am ready for a lifetime commitment? My parents did not forbid me to have a boyfriend. I always wanted to have my prince charming. I am young; I should be enjoying the teenage romance. I should experience falling in love; everyone around me does it, why don’t I have a boyfriend?          

I just don’t think that now is the time for that, and I believe that God has already planned someone for me to be with for the rest of my life, with the assurance of ‘forever.’           

Some may not understand, some may even think that I’m just scared. I’m not. Actually, I am braver than they are.  Why? Because committing to True Love Waits is something that not everybody does because they fear of being single for the rest of their lives, they fear that they won’t be loved, they fear that they won’t have that person meant for them so they go from one relationship to the other.           

I am not condemning anyone here. I committed to waiting for him (whoever he is) because I want to be able to give him 100% of me. Mind you, when you jump from one relationship to the other, it’s leaving the persons you have had a relationship with, a part of yourself, a part of that heart that you can never take back. I want to be able to say “I love you” with full confidence and no hesitancy. I want to be able to say those words really meaning the full sense of it.          

Some may wonder how I will be able to keep a relationship going if I didn’t experience it before. I am telling you, it’s not easy waiting for true love. I have to be patient, and patience is very important in a relationship. I have to take risks, I have to stay true to what I believe in, and with that comes determination and the lesson of holding on, which is needed to keep a relationship strong. There are temptations lurking at every corner, so I have to guard my purity and be wise in everything I do. I have to remember that the consequences of my actions will also affect my future husband. I then learn the value of being responsible. See? How could I not be capable of handling a relationship when I am already learning the values needed for it by waiting?  Others say that having short-time romantic relationships will train young for marriage, but how will it be a training ground if these relationships will only end in brokenness? What’s the point of experiencing something knowing that it won’t last ‘til the end? If you want training, try making yourself into the best person that you will be. Try reaching your goals. Try developing yourself to your fullest potential. Try being satisfied first as a person, try being stable. Work yourself to being mature. So the moment you meet the one, you are ready for a lifetime of being in love and enjoying the benefits of having a permanent relationship.          

So how’s my experience of singleness now? It is simply priceless. I won’t give anything for this freedom that I am enjoying. Being free allows me to meet and know different people, may it be different personalities, even different nationalities. I enjoy interacting with these people, learning how I should deal on a person-to-person level. I don’t have to worry if someone will get jealous or will feel bad whenever I’m surrounded by others. I have the luxury of time and the freedom to spend it in any healthy way I choose. I am constantly in love! With whom? With life, with God, with friends, with my family. I enjoy my money! I don’t have to worry about dates and presents. I buy whatever I want whenever I want it. I am free to share it with other people. I am free to give my love to the people around me, mostly to my God then to my family and then to my friends. I don’t have to load my phone all the time (laughs).  I am free to run wherever I feel like going. I can spread my wings and soar as high as I can! I can focus on my priorities and develop myself to the person God wants me to be. I am free to follow my dreams and free to fulfill my calling. I don’t have to be tied down by someone.  With all of this going on in my life, how can I not hold on to that promise of waiting?  

Well, I must say that waiting for The One may take forever, and somewhere along the way are hurts and struggles, but I am willing to take all of that in. Why? Because in the end I know that all I went through will be worth it, when I meet my prince with the sureness of a “happy-ever-after”.

* Lisa is a 17-year old communication student in the University of the Philippines – Los Baños.

Ladies, I’m sorry if the title offended any of you, but I think many of you will agree with this article. In fact, maybe some of you have lived this article (or you are living it right now). Previously I wrote about a story that I’ve seen over and over again in the lives of women (“The Valentine’s Day Massacre”). There’s another tragedy that happens to women. The story goes something like this:

1. Woman and man begin courtship.
2. Woman observes “warning signs” that the man has major character problems or characteristic which makes them incompatible.
3. Woman decides that she can “fix” his flaw or chooses to ignore it.
4. The man’s character flaw remains, and so does the woman’s illusion.
5. The woman ends up in a miserable relationship; possibly a miserable marriage.

This foolish way of thinking/behaving is summarized in these three words: “He Can Change.” For whatever reason, it seems that women often think they can change men. I’m sure some men are guilty of this too, but it seems that women in particular are vulnerable to this treacherous way of thinking. It sounds like this:

“He has vices/addictions, but he can change”
“I’m not sure that he’s trustworthy, but he can change”
“He’s not really passionate about his faith, but he can change”
“He has a temper problem, but he can change”
“He doesn’t treat is mother well, but he can change”
“He doesn’t have any ambition in life, but he can change”

Do I believe that people can change? Through the transforming power of Christ—yes! Through a dysfunctional relationship—no! Ladies, there is a Savior; there is a life-changer. It is Jesus, not you. Look for a healthy relationship, not a person in need of rescue or major changes.

Bo Sanchez noted that some women are more selective about the shoes they buy than they are the men they get involved with. OK naman kung mapili ka—It’s OK to be choosy! You are a queen—go find yourself a king! Make yourself a list of qualities that your future spouse must have (example: good character, financially stable, etc). Make a list of negative qualities that he must not have (example: vices, unemployed). Don’t accept suitors who don’t meet these standards! Why waste your time?

This verse describes those who are not ready to change despite serious character problems. If you are not careful, it will describe your life as well.

As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his foolishness.
–Proverbs 26:11

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

* read more from Kevin here.